I Don't Doubt God, I Doubt Myself.

Why did my brother have to die?
Why did my dad have to hit us?
Why didn't my mom leave him?
Why wasn't i taken away by child services when they had the chance?
Why did AJ die?
Why didn't my mom's dad love her?
Why is Thurm so troubled?
Why are Zach and i so desperate for love?
Why can't i forgive my parents?
Why can't i forgive anyone?
Why did Thurm go to jail?
Why is he going to go again?
Why can't i attach to anyone?
Why did my heart have to break?
Why can't i let people love me fully?
Why did so many people abandon me?
Why don't i feel like i deserve anything?
Why did i have to hate myself for so long?
Why do i blame myself for everything?

Questions i'll never know the answers to, but God does.  And that's all i need.

Baby Please Take My Hand, And You'll Never Be Alone Again.

Okay. So what if God didn't exist and Jesus was never born.
What if the Bing Bang theory was true.


First off, we'd be saying that our entire universe fit into the size of a tennis ball. Yeah. Okay.


What would the point of our lives be without Christ? To get richer? To obtain the most property?

Some people seem to believe that's what life is about. And where does that get them.
Materialistic and alone.

What would we center our life on?
What would our goals be?
What would we be living for?

I truly have no idea.

With Christ, we strive everyday to get closer to Him. Everyday, with every move we make.

How are we supposed to believe that we could all fit into a tennis ball and originated from monkeys? Yes, scientists have their proof/ evidence or whatever.

But are we simply meant to live? Just live?

I don't think so.
At the age of 16, I chose to become a Christ Follower. I've found meaning in my life. I have daily goals. Not to mention, my long time goal of Heaven. I plan on having eternal life with JC. What do nonchristians plan on?

Let's Make This Last Forever

National Honor Society New York Trip Next Week.

Statue Of Liberty. Ellis Island. South Street Seaport. Ground Zero.HOTEL IN TIMES SQUARE?! NBC Studio Tour. PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. Brooklyn Pizza Tour. Planet Hollywood. MARY POPPINS. Top of the Rock.

Awwww yeah, buddy,
 PYSCHEED!

There are some plus sides of being smart, i suppose :)

But Momma, I Fell In Love Again

(With Jesus)

So for most of my life, I used to consider myself more mature than most people my age, basically because I've been through more.

Today, I realized something.
I'm a sixteen year old girl.
With a sixteen year old body.
With a sixteen year old mindset.
And sixteen year old hormones.

I will make the same mistakes, will have the same stubbornness, and same wild sense of freedom as any other sixteen year old.


But I'll do so under Christ.

Yay (:

Am I In Too Deep, Have I Lost My Mind?

So. This March, I'm wearing no eye make up whatsoever for "No Make up-March."

It makes my day easier and I'm kind of liking it.
But i haven't really been able to enjoy it because I've been sick and gross.
i couldn't breathe for 24 hours and that twas a pain in my rear.

On the other hand, I RAN FOUR MILES ON TUESDAY! WHOOP!

Although I'm pretty sure that's why I'm sick. oh well.

But considering I'm a sprinter, and at most i would do a mile and a half and walk home, I'm so proud of myself! Yeah, yeah!

ha ha i was so happy about that. And i want to run again today, but the weather sucks. boo.

So i don't really think i have much else to say right. Life is event less. Bleh.

I Will Not Say Goodbye.

"If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's Church?"
1 Timothy 3:5


I struggle with this verse a lot. I've always had issues with my family and it used to translate into the rest of my life. I've gotten better at this, however. But as of now,  my mother is aggressively trying to take me away from Christ.

It sucks.
I love God. I love His son.
And the fact that someone is trying to take me away from them hurts.
But i won't let it happen. i refuse.

But as of now, i think i have to stop going to a lot of my favorite things.
aka: Young Life, Campaigners, Leadership.....camp?

I hate this a lot. It's stressing me out. Causing me to never want to be home. Causing me to continuously  fight with my mother. And there's days when i think i never want to see her again.

I don't want these thoughts. Satan is driving me crazy. I need help.
I think i just need to spend more time at home (to my greatest disappointment), and hang out with some people from my school-->not young life related (another downfall).

Track starts next week.
Whatever.
Coach is already disappointed in me.
Don't care anymore to be honest.

I Just Want To Live, I Don't Want To Fit. If That Makes Me Crazy, Then I Am.

I think i AM though. Going crazy that is.
God puts everyone one this Earth for a purpose.
Those who seeks Him see that we all have a call to pursue Christ, and to pursue others in Christ.

I have troubles with this. I'm thankful i was pursued, but i have issues doing it myself. I finally have a friend who is interested in becoming a Christian, but i don't think she realizes how life altering it is.
I stayed with her after school a few days ago, and we talked about it a bit and she said she views the bible more as guidelines, that she doesn't have to follow it in order to be a Christian.

Chels, the bible is God's word. Jesus is the son of God. Jesus Christ. Following Christ is the definition of being a Christian.

GAH. she doesn't care.
She even stated that she's not going to give up drinking or having sex or cussing or any of the other profanities this world provides for us.

SATAN. GO AWAY. NO ONE LIKES YOU.

Headache. boo.

The fallen angel chose to fall on my head just now.
ick.

Anywho. Another girl who i'd love to pursue says Young Life "isn't her scene."

uhhh? what do i say to that? CAN I MAKE IT YOUR SCENE?! PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE? WITH A CHERRY ON TOP?

Grrrr.

And of course i'm still surrounded by Christian opposites all day long. i don't appreciate it.
I said something along those lines at Leadership this past friday, and a kid named Mo(e?) said that it might be a good place for me to be in because it challenges my faith.

It makes sense. And i know i can't stay stagnant, cause there's no such thing. But i just wish everyone felt the need to love, know, and follow Christ.


Then again, i think every single Christian out there feels that way too.

If You Want Love, Then Make It.

I have problems right now.
I mean, everyone has issues obviously.
That's a given.
But.
My mom isn't supporting my Christian life;
and to be honest, my friends at school are just about the exact opposite of Christians.
They have sex. They drink. They try drugs. They judge people. They think they are superior.
But i love them.
And to be honest once again;

i don't know if  i'd have friends at my school if i were to leave them?

My school is rather typical.
Or at least my grade is.
There's this mass group of people that everyone claims to like and consider themselves popular.
I used to be in that group.
Then i had a tough year, and i shoved them away.
Them being them, left me be.
They didn't need me, and quite frankly, they didn't want me.


Now what? i have new friends.
And this upsets my mother.
She wants me to be popular again.
Seriously, ma?
I've even explained to her that i don't want to hang around a mass group of people who pretend to like me and all talk crap about eachother.  I don't need it, i don't want it.

So my mom is ridiculous.
She sees my friends.
She sees that i have two groups.
The Christians, and the opposites.
But all my christian friends don't go to my school.
Most of them are in college.

I spend all my time with them, and my mom doesn't get it?
One of my best friends is a senior in college and all my mom ever says about her is that she needs to hang with people her own age.

Mom.
SHE DOES.
SHE BRINGS ME WITH CAUSE MY SCHOOL SUCKS.

But my mom is dumb. She's the kind of person who'd rather have quantity than quality. She believes you should care what people think about you. She judges others as if they're all dressed in rainbow poopsicles.

I'm the opposite. She doesn't understand that.
So we fight. And i just disobey her every word cause her rules don't apply to my life.

Anyone gott suggestions?
Hit me up.
Twitter: lexatfirstsight.

Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Well today I’ve done nothing.

I was up until 4 am.

All I’ve done today so far is watch Bill Madison and now Varsity Blues.

Oh dear. Two America Classics.

YOU BLEW IT.

And I don’t know any Varsity Blues quotes cause this is the first time I’m watching it.

But now I’m realizing all the references in the Not Another Teenage Movie.

Hmmph.

WOD:  Vulpine Meaning: cunning or crafty.

Well. The coach’s vulpine behavior got his star athlete’s career screwed over.

So. Who names their dog after their school?

Oh yeah. My dad.

Our dog’s name is Eastwood. I go to Eastwood High School.

That’s just dumb. But he’s a good dog so I guess it works out.

He’s eleven years old now.

I love him to death but after all this time I still think his name is stupid.

If What You've Lost Cannot Be Found, And The Weight Of The World Weighs You Down.

If What You"ve lost cannot be found, and the weihg tof the world wiehg you down.
is what my title originally said.
hmmph.
cold fingers or dyslexia?

Well.
CONFUSION.
I have:
Twitter.
Facebook.
This.
Youtube.
& A Journal.

Facebook is now turning lame cause i don't really like anyone on it.
Youtube i just use to watch others.
Twitter/ Journal/ & Blog however.
I use these just to express thoughts right?
Welll i don't want to STOP using any of them,
but how willl i fill each of their needs?
They love me just as i love them!
AHHH.
Whatever willl i do?
I don't know.

hmm. ommph. la la.

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there, cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Ohh Nickelback.
How i love you so.
Well now it's a quarter to 3 am.


Maybe i'll just go without sleep tonight. Notta wink.
Sounds good to me.

Can't Carry It With You If You Want To Survive.

My titles will never make sense, I promise you.
Does this thing have spell check?
My fingers suck at typing when cold.
Anywho, the title will always be lyrics I believe.
I'm too lazy to think of something creative.
GAH.
Cracking knuckles.
I wonder how many people that bothers.
One of my teachers prefer nails on a chalkboard to cracking knuckles.
ICK.
Uhm.
SO.
First post.
-awkward.-

I'd LOVE to have a video blog instead, but i look like POO on most days so that would just be inconveinent.
That's not spelled right. I think.
Uhm. Well.
Hello World.
It is almost 2:30 am.
This is ridiculous.
I won't even remember i have a blog when i wake up later.
hmmmph.
good idea?
Why NOT?!
Okay.

How come my word of the day doesn't always come from dictionary.com?
So upsetting.

Well.Today's WOD is Cacoesthes. Meaning: an irresistible urge; mania.

Welll.
i had a cacoethes to start a blog.
WHOOPIE.
Goood nighht.