I Don't Doubt God, I Doubt Myself.

Why did my brother have to die?
Why did my dad have to hit us?
Why didn't my mom leave him?
Why wasn't i taken away by child services when they had the chance?
Why did AJ die?
Why didn't my mom's dad love her?
Why is Thurm so troubled?
Why are Zach and i so desperate for love?
Why can't i forgive my parents?
Why can't i forgive anyone?
Why did Thurm go to jail?
Why is he going to go again?
Why can't i attach to anyone?
Why did my heart have to break?
Why can't i let people love me fully?
Why did so many people abandon me?
Why don't i feel like i deserve anything?
Why did i have to hate myself for so long?
Why do i blame myself for everything?

Questions i'll never know the answers to, but God does.  And that's all i need.

Baby Please Take My Hand, And You'll Never Be Alone Again.

Okay. So what if God didn't exist and Jesus was never born.
What if the Bing Bang theory was true.


First off, we'd be saying that our entire universe fit into the size of a tennis ball. Yeah. Okay.


What would the point of our lives be without Christ? To get richer? To obtain the most property?

Some people seem to believe that's what life is about. And where does that get them.
Materialistic and alone.

What would we center our life on?
What would our goals be?
What would we be living for?

I truly have no idea.

With Christ, we strive everyday to get closer to Him. Everyday, with every move we make.

How are we supposed to believe that we could all fit into a tennis ball and originated from monkeys? Yes, scientists have their proof/ evidence or whatever.

But are we simply meant to live? Just live?

I don't think so.
At the age of 16, I chose to become a Christ Follower. I've found meaning in my life. I have daily goals. Not to mention, my long time goal of Heaven. I plan on having eternal life with JC. What do nonchristians plan on?

Let's Make This Last Forever

National Honor Society New York Trip Next Week.

Statue Of Liberty. Ellis Island. South Street Seaport. Ground Zero.HOTEL IN TIMES SQUARE?! NBC Studio Tour. PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. Brooklyn Pizza Tour. Planet Hollywood. MARY POPPINS. Top of the Rock.

Awwww yeah, buddy,
 PYSCHEED!

There are some plus sides of being smart, i suppose :)

But Momma, I Fell In Love Again

(With Jesus)

So for most of my life, I used to consider myself more mature than most people my age, basically because I've been through more.

Today, I realized something.
I'm a sixteen year old girl.
With a sixteen year old body.
With a sixteen year old mindset.
And sixteen year old hormones.

I will make the same mistakes, will have the same stubbornness, and same wild sense of freedom as any other sixteen year old.


But I'll do so under Christ.

Yay (:

Am I In Too Deep, Have I Lost My Mind?

So. This March, I'm wearing no eye make up whatsoever for "No Make up-March."

It makes my day easier and I'm kind of liking it.
But i haven't really been able to enjoy it because I've been sick and gross.
i couldn't breathe for 24 hours and that twas a pain in my rear.

On the other hand, I RAN FOUR MILES ON TUESDAY! WHOOP!

Although I'm pretty sure that's why I'm sick. oh well.

But considering I'm a sprinter, and at most i would do a mile and a half and walk home, I'm so proud of myself! Yeah, yeah!

ha ha i was so happy about that. And i want to run again today, but the weather sucks. boo.

So i don't really think i have much else to say right. Life is event less. Bleh.

I Will Not Say Goodbye.

"If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's Church?"
1 Timothy 3:5


I struggle with this verse a lot. I've always had issues with my family and it used to translate into the rest of my life. I've gotten better at this, however. But as of now,  my mother is aggressively trying to take me away from Christ.

It sucks.
I love God. I love His son.
And the fact that someone is trying to take me away from them hurts.
But i won't let it happen. i refuse.

But as of now, i think i have to stop going to a lot of my favorite things.
aka: Young Life, Campaigners, Leadership.....camp?

I hate this a lot. It's stressing me out. Causing me to never want to be home. Causing me to continuously  fight with my mother. And there's days when i think i never want to see her again.

I don't want these thoughts. Satan is driving me crazy. I need help.
I think i just need to spend more time at home (to my greatest disappointment), and hang out with some people from my school-->not young life related (another downfall).

Track starts next week.
Whatever.
Coach is already disappointed in me.
Don't care anymore to be honest.

I Just Want To Live, I Don't Want To Fit. If That Makes Me Crazy, Then I Am.

I think i AM though. Going crazy that is.
God puts everyone one this Earth for a purpose.
Those who seeks Him see that we all have a call to pursue Christ, and to pursue others in Christ.

I have troubles with this. I'm thankful i was pursued, but i have issues doing it myself. I finally have a friend who is interested in becoming a Christian, but i don't think she realizes how life altering it is.
I stayed with her after school a few days ago, and we talked about it a bit and she said she views the bible more as guidelines, that she doesn't have to follow it in order to be a Christian.

Chels, the bible is God's word. Jesus is the son of God. Jesus Christ. Following Christ is the definition of being a Christian.

GAH. she doesn't care.
She even stated that she's not going to give up drinking or having sex or cussing or any of the other profanities this world provides for us.

SATAN. GO AWAY. NO ONE LIKES YOU.

Headache. boo.

The fallen angel chose to fall on my head just now.
ick.

Anywho. Another girl who i'd love to pursue says Young Life "isn't her scene."

uhhh? what do i say to that? CAN I MAKE IT YOUR SCENE?! PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE? WITH A CHERRY ON TOP?

Grrrr.

And of course i'm still surrounded by Christian opposites all day long. i don't appreciate it.
I said something along those lines at Leadership this past friday, and a kid named Mo(e?) said that it might be a good place for me to be in because it challenges my faith.

It makes sense. And i know i can't stay stagnant, cause there's no such thing. But i just wish everyone felt the need to love, know, and follow Christ.


Then again, i think every single Christian out there feels that way too.